Other "Thinking Drafts" and writing by Keith Drury -- http://www.indwes.edu/tuesday .

Preparing for the Empty Nest

The empty nest stage can be either the most happy and fulfilling time of your marriage, or it can be the negative turning point in your life—when you turn into cynical, negative self-centered, griping grouches. There are some things you can do now—while the kids are still around—to prepare for the dangers of this new stage of life.

After your kids leave your house will seem deathly quiet. It will be great at first. Then gradually you'll begin feeling lonely. "No use fixing something for just the two of us." You'll go out to eat. You'll ponder, "I wonder what the kids are doing tonight." Many of your close friends will have slipped away while you raised your kids. You'll start feeling lonely. If you are not careful you'll wind up becoming one of those lonely couples who go out to eat just to watch other people. How to avoid this loneliness? Date each other. Plus take time to carefully cultivate other adult friendships. You'll need these friends when your kids are gone.

Regrets. There are things we should have done better with our kids...vacations we should have taken, days off we never took, long talks we should have had. Most empty nesters have these regrets. But dwelling on regrets transforms them into guilt and eventually feelings of failure. Soon we come down with a strain of gloominess peculiar to empty nesters. A dark cloudy brooding over missed opportunities. How to prevent this gloom? Cash in your time now! Take that vacation you've been talking about for years. Lock in your family days. Put your career on hold a few years to spend more time with your kids. Take them on a canoe trip or tour England together. Do it. Do it now! Few people on their deathbed say, "I should have spent less time with my kids and more time building my career."

You may not be rich when you reach the empty nest stage. But you will probably be richer. You'll quit buying several gallons of milk a week...maybe even quit buying it in gallon jugs altogether. Your furniture will be bought and paid for. Your house payment is easily handled. And to boot, your income will probably be higher than ever. What to do? Buy new furniture—perfectly matched? Purchase that cottage on the lake you always dreamed about when the kids were home? Maybe a Winnebago? Develop a fat retirement fund? Materialism. Always a danger, but a special danger to empty nesters. What is the cure? Giving. Make up your mind now where you'll spend this "extra" money. If you don't decide before hand, these funds will simply disappear into the thin air of more consumption or hoarding for retirement.

At about the same time your kids leave the nest you will likely lose some of your own steam. You used to stay up until midnight, but now you drift off by nine. You start feeling tired, weary, and worn out. You can still burn the candle at both ends—but it now takes longer to recover! So you reduce your schedule. You take longer to do things. Life falls into a comfortable routine.

That's the problem. Comfortable routine. Empty nesters who never missed prayer meeting night, quit showing up. They are dozing at home in front of the TV—that's their routine. Middle-age couples who gave dedicated service as Sunday school teachers, Clubhouse workers and youth sponsors, say, "We're worn out, we took our turn, let someone else do it now." Lazy. The preventative? Start talking now about how you'll spend your "extra" time. How about starting all over again in the nursery or with the youth? Maybe start a new church in your home? The lonely, lazy life will lead to an early grave. Decide now how you'd like to be involved. You'll be happier. God will be happier, too.

Perhaps all of these dangers add up to selfishness. After pouring out more than two decades of prime time into raising our children, it seems fair to say, "Now it's my turn." But, where does this lead? Does self-centeredness please Christ? No. A life of meaning and joy comes from pouring ourselves out for others. We did it for our own kids. Now it's time to redirect that energy toward others. Meaning and fulfillment comes from pouring out for others, not in self-centered consumption.

Then of course, you'll be happily ready for the next stage—GRANDCHILDREN! And this will be a whole new opportunity for pouring out your life!

So what do you think?

To contribute to the thinking on this issue e-mail your response to Tuesday@indwes.edu