Is Marriage
Worse for Women than Men?
I’m going to ask an indelicate question this week. Forgive me, but it is homecoming weekend. Many of us here on campus we’ll see again what we see every year: marriage seems to treat many of our men graduates far better then the women. While it is not true in all cases, it is true often enough to be statistically significant.
The married guys breeze back on campus looking mature, successful and brimming with energy and spark. Their wives sometimes saunter back with half-vacant expressions, somberness and a look of weariness. It is striking to those of us who see this annually. Many of these women were considered our most promising students—they were once full spark and drive while their husbands coasted along in the second tier of promise. Frankly, some of the women even confessed to one or another professor that they feared they were “marring down.” But marry they did and now he seems to have leaped ahead while she is holding her own or even drifting backwards. The husband bounds in bright and full of energy talking about a dozen interesting books he’s read since summer. His wife sighs admitting she hasn’t read a serious book since she graduated with her 3.95 GPA.
So what causes this when it happens? We don’t know. Somebody needs to do a serious research project on these widely observed changes in women during the first five years of marriage. (Perhaps you’ll do it for your D.Min. project?) Until then, I am going to publish the theories I’ve heard proposed to answer the question. I am withholding the names of the women and men who have suggested the following theories to protect them from hate mail. What I’d really like this week are other hunches you have for why some women escape this setback while others experience it. Here are the theories I’ve heard:
1. She is disappointed in marriage.
Theory: “Women expect far more from marriage and are thus more disappointed. They expected her men to treat her like a princess—even better than daddy. Hubby treats her more like her dad treats her mother so she is disappointed. She felt like a princess in college but not now. She expected more romance in her marriage than she had when dating—she expected more gifts, more thoughtful notes, more time together. What she actually got was fewer gifts, fewer thoughtful notes, and less time together than they had while dating. She still loves her man, but marriage to this guy has turned out to be far less than she had imagined.”
2. She has few women friends.
Theory: “She moved away from college leaving all her girlfriends behind and expected marriage to fill her needs for companionship. She quickly discovered that her husband turned out to be a poor substitute for her former girlfriends and there is an unfilled hole in her socially that only a girlfriend can fill. She is now cut off from her college girlfriends and can’t seem to make new friends in this new location. Lonesome and friendless she plods on wondering why she feels so forlorn. ”
3. She got what she wanted.
Theory: “Her spark and drive was merely a temporary flowering during her mating period—something culture had taught and trained her to develop and use. Her “co-ed sparkle” was glowing because she was trained to use it to attract a man like a flower’s bright display. Once she got what she wanted she no longer needs to use this sparkle and can now eat what she wants, wear what is comfortable and read only what she likes. What we saw as “sparkle” wasn’t anything more than a female seeking a companion.”
4. Her dreams are crushed.
Theory: “In college a whole life of possibilities was ahead of her. When she entered the real world she discovered the hard truth that a woman can succeed easier in education than in life. Her husband (who got lower grades than she?) got a well-paid job right off the bat and started climbing the ladder of success; she still is trying to scramble up to the first rung. He is now everyone’s darling and gets all the attention. She is simply a young married woman with no children.”
5. The husband slingshotted past.
Theory: “It’s a developmental thing: men develop later than women. In college she was in prime years when her husband was still growing up socially and spiritually. She may have stayed where she was then but he has blossomed and become an avid reader learning new things, and put away childish ways and is blossoming into what she hoped he’d become—but she hasn’t grown much since graduation.
So what do you think?
What
other theories would you propose?
Why
does this happen in some marriages and not others?
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Keith Drury, October 3, 2006