Other "Thinking Drafts" and writing by Keith or Sharon Drury --
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By Sharon Drury
Two unique challenges often occur in ministry marriages. One involves those who feel way behind their husband spiritually. The other is about those who feel way ahead.
Now, some of you haven't been dealing with this at all, and feel you and your husband are both growing about equally in the Lord. You need to read on in order to help other women who are right in your church, or some friend in your area of the country.
What's the solution? Does the gal with the spiritual inferiority complex give up? Should a wife ever slow down in her spiritual walk in order to keep balanced with her husband?
I do not write out of personal naivete' in this area. At different seasons in my life, I have felt spiritually inferior or superior to my husband. Sometimes I would either wallow in self-pity or pride. Other times I would suppress such feelings with thinking our spiritual pace didn't matter. I realized, however, that there are at least two places in Scripture that infer differing spiritual stages of believers: "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's Word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." Hebrews 5:12-14
"I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. I write to you, fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I write to you, dear children, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." 1 John 2:12-14
Here are some bits of advice for both categories.
So you feel like the disciplined one in your marriage and really get rather upset at your husband's lack of desire to want to change? He seems lazy, erratic, and perhaps continues some private practice you feel is sin. You may identify with the pastor's wife who said, "Even though he is great in the pulpit on Sunday, I have to remind my husband to visit people through the week. I always have to initiate anything spiritual at home and I'm beginning to lose confidence in him." The following advice can help you:
Men go through seasons of life too, and he may be dealing with more stress about his personal career problems than he lets on. Unless he is schizophrenic and has lost contact with reality, don't leave him or threaten drastic action. He needs you to be strong in your support.
1 Peter 3:1&2 can also apply to wives of husbands, including ministers, who may not be fully obedient to the Word. He will not grow spiritually because you tell him to, anyway. The next time you're tempted to bring this area up (to him or to others), pray privately instead of complaining verbally. Then pretend you weren't praying (c.f. Matthew. 6:1-18).
Maybe it's a "speck of sawdust" in your husband's life and you are overlooking a whole "plank" in your own life. Don't judge by your own standards because they, of course, are faulty. One partner may feel having devotions is the ultimate spiritual thermometer, and the other is convinced that building relationships and bearing fruit are the ultimate test. Christ's words about judging others were harsh (Matthew 7). They include that you will also be judged. When you are tough on your husband, God will use the same measuring stick on you. Even before the final Judgment, people around you will be harder on you if you have a harsh, critical spirit.
Many things that bug you about your husband may be good things to correct. You may be saying, "He needs a mother." If you do convince him to change, an unhealthy dependency will result just as when we never cut the apron strings with our children. If he happens to be irresponsible, release him to suffer the consequences just as we eventually do with our kids. There may even be areas of definite sin you feel obligated as his wife to correct. The Holy Spirit has not delegated these assignments to you. Your nagging about, for example, his lack of evangelism, will not convince him of that need.
Since you may have a sensitive nature, stop zeroing in on your husband's spiritual life and begin critiquing your own. Do you practice "forgiving living" so that your prayers aren't hindered? Then allow God to speak to you about where you need to grow. Try writing out your inner feelings, instead of falling into some pious prayer lingo. It can be quite revealing.
I can always tell when the pastor's wife doesn't respect her husband. She doesn't look at him when he is preaching and is often distracted with an undue amount of affection for her children. If you're having trouble here, why not begin the discipline of taking notes while he is preaching...for yourself only, not to instruct him later. Inspire him to grow by your encouraging smile from a near-the-front seat. Write out the things that he does well and keep this list of your advantages in your notebook. Remember to "act your way into a new way of feeling."
Many times our husbands feel overwhelmed by their responsibilities and we just sit back and scrutinize their entire life for perfection. You need the experience of being over your head with a challenge, and the test of keeping everything in line. "To whom much is given, much is required."
Judging others is a sure sign of pride in yourself. You need to be convinced of what a serious sin pride is: the most insidious of all sins, the sin of Lucifer and the Pharisees, and the Devil's last stronghold since it is attitudinal and the hardest to root out. You are probably doing many good things for the Lord and the Church, but "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit." (Psalms 51:17) Come clean before God and ask forgiveness from your husband if this section speaks to you.
Do you ever get a little tired of your husband being so perfect? You not only have him on a pedestal, but the people at church just adore him! He has so much wisdom with others, could run circles around you with his Bible and theological knowledge, and even has a regular time alone with God. You feel like the gal who said, "I can't do anything good enough; in fact, he's the main reason I don't get involved much in the church. I'm usually too tired anyway." Here's what you need to do:
Decide today to make a change in your own life. And never let the word "divorce" come into your thinking.
Have you tried to listen for the Lord's direction in your life, or is your only idea of spiritual growth that of doing what your husband does or tells you to do? Hebrews talks about the "priesthood of all believers" and we in the Protestant Church certainly believe that men and women and children can go directly to God, through Jesus Christ, for personal help. Learn to "fix your eyes" on Jesus by reading what He taught us in the Gospels and watch your life take on new excitement and growth.
Some of your problem is no doubt a low sense of self-worth, rather than your husband's seeming perfection. You need to accept yourself and your uniqueness, realizing how much God loves you. Then set up a daily habit of averting put-downs either from yourself or perhaps your husband and others.
Sometimes there is a clog in your past, perhaps premarital sex, or a present private sin such as sexual fantasies that you've never asked and received God's forgiveness for. You know that God wants to forgive those who are willing to repent, but you've not yet reached out in faith to receive that forgiveness. It may be that you have one item that is clogging up your spiritual growth, and being honest with God about it can open a whole new abundant life for you.
Some of you have been on the "rest stop" too long. Pick one big issue that really bothers you about your spiritual walk and overcome your barriers to having victory in it. For many it's having a regular time along with God. Start small but do it, and keep doing it until that spiritual discipline becomes part of your life. Don't try to start everything, remember, success in one area breeds success in another.
There is some area of your life God wants to help you with. It is more than self-discipline; it's a grace He wants to give you in moving ahead spiritually. Don't work on one thing if you know God wants you to accomplish something elsewhere. For example, if you don't feel very smart and seldom read, but you know God has that task for you, maybe that is just the area in which God will pour out His power, helping you to accomplish it.
Instead of always throwing yourself in a secular environment where you intend to hide, get involved in the spiritual lives of others. If you don't feel you can work in your local church at present, win someone new to the Lord. Getting involved causes you to grow instead of shrink while you looked up at other spiritual giants.
God doesn't judge on a fixed scale for everyone but rather on a sliding scale designed just for you. He's looking at what you are compared with what you've were. Make a note of your decision to change in this area of your life, along with the date. Let someone else know of your progress. God is in the business of helping you grow.
It is God's will for us in ministry marriages to not only be pulling together in the same direction, but at a similar speed. We need to both be growing in the Lord. It's hard to be a team that accomplishes anything if one partner is dragging behind very long, or the other is rushing on ahead. So if you are ahead or behind, use these pieces of advice until through God's grace, the two of you are both pulling together in harmony in both your marriage and ministry.
So what do you think?
To contribute to the thinking on this issue e-mail your response to
Tuesday@indwes.eduBy Sharon Drury, 1985. You are free to transmit, duplicate or distribute this article for non-profit use without permission.