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QUESTION:
I am frustrated with the traditional service at my
church. It is filled with people in their 50’s and 60’s and the service is dead
and there is little response. When I go from that service to our more
contemporary service it is like leaving a funeral home and entering an electric
atmosphere. I’ve come to dread the traditional service and increasingly
see it as mere practice for the "real" worshippers in the contemporary
service. We’ve tried everything from a worship band to a motivating song leader
to get some life into that funeral but we’ve failed. Any
ideas?
ANSWER:
You've got the right
word…"funeral." Yep, that's the right word. If you want to understand
this age group, start with the word "funeral."
I'll address “funeral” later, but first let
me point out that few people really try to understand people in their 50's and
60's. Go look in your local Christian bookstore or Christian college library
and count the books on youth, or generation X, or the millennial generation, or
the emerging post modern generation.
You'll lose count. Then go searching for books to help you understand
and adapt ministry to people in their 50's and 60's and you'll be able to count
them on one hand--two at the most if you're in a great Christian library. But
even if they are there--nobody buys them or signs them out. Face it, we are
keen to discover the interests and preferences of the emerging generations but
have little interest in people over 50, even though they comprise a significant
component/majority of many congregations.
Well that's not completely true. The church
is interested in this generation's money. This is the generation expected to
pick up the tab, or at least lots of the tab.
However the church is not interested in their preferences or needs. They
are overlooked except when it comes to paying the bill. When people in their
50's and 60's express a preference they are often told "this service is
not for you--it is for others--don't be selfish." Emerging generations are
not told this, of course. Many older Christians are taking this message
seriously and have quit coming so regularly--in fact most statistics show this
is the most sporadically attending group in the church. Why not? They've heard
the message: "it isn't for you--pay the bill and be quiet."
They’ve
seen lots of death and destruction.
Perhaps these folk in your contemporary service act like they are in a funeral
because they are! Even the externally cheerful ones carry a
deep sense of grief. They are not new gung-ho recruits fresh from boot
camp--they've seen plenty of warfare and plenty of dead bodies littering the
battlefield of life. They grieve--so perhaps your traditional service is
mournful because they are grieving.
They've been through some of life's tough battles. They’ve gotten
wounded. They’ve seen their compatriots
fall. They know all about
divorce--perhaps their own or maybe their children's. It pains them. They know about fallen leaders too--most have
seen several "Great-men-of-vision" who captivated them with preaching
and personality yet they discovered later that all the time they were leading
these “great leaders” were committing adultery or lying to the congregation. They have been burned several times like
this—so they aren't too quick to join the cheerleading staff for the next
captivating preacher-personality arriving on the scene.
They've
done their share of giving. They've
been through several "Not equal giving
but equal sacrifice" capital campaigns and they anted up their
sacrificial gifts to the church--gifts the present pastor knows nothing about
nor recognizes as anything but "that is your duty." Many feel their giving was taken for granted
or even wasted by their church through frivolous decisions or indecision. Perhaps they committed sacrificially to the
church's "new vision" only to discover after they gave the money the
church changed their mind and spent it for something else. The "new vision" they are hearing
from you is the fifth one they've heard in their lives so far--from the seventh
pastor they've had. They were excited
when the first Moses went up the mountain and got God’s vision for them—then
“cast the vision” to the congregation.
But by now they’ve had a dozen Moses’ getting different visions from God
casting it their way—they are not so quick to cheer for every new “Vision from
God.” They have seldom been thanked for
giving—other than a once-a-year computer-generated receipt. They sometimes feel
used. Like a spouse who is taken for
granted, they are tempted to get resentful.
And all those promises about God taking care of them and rewarding their
generosity? How does that square with a stock portfolio that halved, a
social security program that seems in trouble, and an economy heading south at
breakneck speed? They still believe but
losing half their net worth a few years back might make help them be a bit
melancholy don’t you think?
They are wounded physically. They or their friend have had a hysterectomy, a
mastectomy, or double mastectomy or prostate cancer. They have a friend right now going through
chemotherapy. Their back hurts and they
took pain medicine before church today and standing longer than ten minutes
brings tears to their eyes--but they don't want to cave in and look decrepit
and old by sitting down. Their sex drive has gradually diminished over the
years, in fact they don’t feel any sort of energy in any area like they once
did. They sleep less than ever, and they
wake up feeling weary. While they are not sleepy they are tired.
They think about death and dying. Women have
passed childbearing age, men can’t do push ups and knock the softball over the
fence anymore. Every new ache and pain suggests two funerals they dread
more than all the others put together—their spouses and their own—they even
secretly hope they go first. Many in
this generation actually read the obituaries every day--they really do—every
day—can you even imagine that? They
often do it secretly and tell nobody. There they see a friend's name from time
to time reminding them their own generation is beginning to die off. They check
the birth dates of the rest comparing it with own birth date, keeping a mental
scoreboard on how many people die each week that are younger than them. They see the grim reaper looming as they
drink their coffee. Their mother died
recently, or father. Or perhaps worse, a parent is still living and requires
demanding care from them. They watch their parent die slowly in a nursing home
with few people or pastors from the church ever visiting. They die forgotten. Here they see the ghost of Christmas future—a
person who has given their whole life to the church--but is now forgotten and
dies in a lonely room with few visitors.
Old people no longer are viable contributors to the church. They wonder if this will be their own final
exit--an ignoble dribbling away of life in loneliness with few caring. The bell tolls in the distance.
They are wounded emotionally. Most of them have experienced at least one
violation of trust—spouse, child, business partner, pastor—probably more than
one. They were ripped off.
They were violated. They are
wounded. They’ve been told to be loving
and forgiving of others (especially of the younger generation who has run
roughshod over their feelings) but they see no reciprocal tolerance and
forgiveness for their own shortcomings. They may smile broadly, but they
hurt deeply.
They've been burned. Burned by preachers and the church
too--so they don't respond with flag-waving enthusiasm to every new idea or new
minister. Face it; they've had a sequence of preachers tell them truths
that later preachers told them weren’t true. Their life has been a series of
hearing truth from ministers which is later reversed by other ministers. They are tired of “You may have always thought…however”
style preaching. They are on their
fourth or fifth iteration of truth since young adulthood. They wonder if the first one was right, or
the second…or even this one. Which
minister can they believe? Is it any
wonder that they seem so skeptical when a thirty-something pastor delivers the
latest truth as if he or she has discovered something the church has totally
been misunderstanding for decades?
They are disillusioned spiritually. This generation grew up singing “Every day with Jesus is Sweeter than the Day
Before” and now they know it isn’t. There are days that are bitter
and they no longer deny it. Many coupled
youthful idealism with spiritual goals and really thought they had the “Victory that overcomes the world.” And
now they see many battles, both in themselves and in the broader arena of
society that have been lost. They haven’t reached the holiness they
expected would come with time and age. The church is not a holier and
better church in spite of what they were promised by umpteen programs and
campaigns. Many have experienced unanswered
prayers for decades –for healing, salvation for their children, good spouses
for their kids. They believe, but not
with the effusive excitement they once did.
They are politically
pessimistic. Growing up
the sixties, they wanted to “give peace a chance.” They witnessed social protest bringing an
end to segregation and the war in Viet Nam. But with (official)
segregation gone they see racial prejudice lurking yet in every community, and
even their own heart. Viet Nam ended but
their life has been a series of little wars ever since and the world is not less
dangerous but more so. They suspect their generation is leaving the world in
worse shape than when they got it…and inwardly they blame themselves.
They sense regret. They've made mistakes. They had dreams they never
achieved. Every time you preach a “relevant sermon” on child-rearing they have
no chance of implementing it--they only sense regret, and a tiny bit of hope
they can make up some with grandchildren.
They hurt every day for their unsaved daughter or son who rejected the
faith. They wonder if they caused this by being too strict, or by being to
lenient. They’ve made mistakes. They drove by opportunities that may have
made a brighter life for them now if they’d grabbed the opportunity. They still mourn the sins of their
youth. They wish they could take back
some of their decisions or actions. They
can’t. And they regret it.
They have doubt. With the shifting sands of truth some launch a
desperate attempt to believe something… anything--some settle on one
particular iteration of the truth they've been told--and younger pastors
consider them stuck-in-the-mud traditionalists for doing so. Many appear as if they have their faith-act
together, but they don't. They have
doubts. Sometimes they wonder if all
they've lived their life for is even true.
They ask, “Have I wasted my life?” They recite their beliefs
automatically--but they aren't always sure of them. They desperately want someone to preach on
things that have always been true and still are true—things people used to die
for—the core thing, the essentials. They
agree that Evolution is untrue yet they watch Discovery channel and quietly
wonder if the church has been wrong about that.
Of course, you will seldom hear them express these doubts--they are
tucked deep within their souls. Doubt is their frequent companion. A thirty-something preacher whose gospel is
mostly focused on being delivered from lust or giving practical tips on child-rearing
doesn't help them much. In fact, they
are tired of sermons on change and
hunger for sermons on God. They are desperate to know what is
certifiably true and always has always been true. What can they bet their life on? What can they die for, or at least die with.
So, perhaps your “Traditional service” is
like a funeral because it is like a funeral. Of course being
in your 50’s and 60’s isn’t as bad as I’m portraying it—there are bright sides
too, more for women than men. But I’m
trying to show why this group may appear “dead” in your service. It is like a
funeral because it feels like their experience.
I you learn to feel it too-you just might learn how to minister to
them. Maybe that is why your peppy songs
and cutie-pie band doesn’t work at bringing their ecstatic response… after all,
peppy songs and a band at a funeral is sometimes out of place?
So,
here is the question for you to think about:
Does the gospel I preach have anything to say to
people like this?
Keith
So, what would you add?
________________________________________________________________________
To suggest additional insights I missed write to Keith@TuesdayColumn.com