Sex
and Dating
The Centerfold Ideal
Have
you ever seen a centerfold? Most of my
male students have. In fact they'd like
to marry one. It is as if they have a
"Centerfold ideal" tucked away somewhere in their brain like a homing
signal that tries to seek out a woman in a perfect body.
Most male students have a
"Centerfold woman" burned into their memory banks. Even if they have never seen an actual "centerfold" in
a magazine or on the Internet (and only a few have not) they have seen
thousands of centerfold women just the same in other ways. For twenty years they've watched movies of
women with perfect bodies. Same with
TV. And, even if their mother tossed
out their February issue of Sports Illustrated, every other magazine they
opened gave them a dose of women with perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect
teeth, perfect legs, and cute little noses, all arranged in a perfect
lightweight package of legs and other elements especially attractive to men
(also perfect). Male students are
highly visual creatures. They can
visually size up a female student and decide if "she makes the cut"
or not based on a single glance. Things
like matters of faith, personality, number of kids she wants, life direction,
and even if the woman can even think intelligently figure in much later.
Of
course there are problems with this perfect
centerfold image many male students have.
To start with, there is a big "supply and demand"
problem. There are just not enough
women-in-perfect-bodies available to meet the demand. And, of course, the ones these men have seen on the Internet and
in Sports Illustrated are often airbrushed to perfection--so they aren't real
anyway. But, consider what this does to
women. They must try to live up to this
perfect physical "Centerfold image."
They can't.
Face
it, guys sooner or later have to discard this childish centerfold visual
image. (Or at least tuck it away in
their memories somewhere labeled "female goddess-not-for-me.") Males
secretly want to believe the ancient myth that mortal men can possess a
goddess. You can't. Let it go!
If you don't dump it, the woman you finally marry will be constantly
feeling inadequate as she senses you measuring her against this perfect
physical standard. It will make her gradually uglier, not more beautiful.
Instead,
get about looking for a lifetime sweetheart packaged in a more ordinary body.
Giving up this pubescent Barbie-doll fantasy is part of growing out of
adolescence.
HOWEVER, most female
students also have a centerfold in their memory banks. And that is what this essay is really about. This image of the "ideal male"
they seek is a spiritual-relational
centerfold. It is not as visual,
but it is just as destructive as the men's.
This image of "ideal husband" was constructed over years,
sometimes coached along by their mother, their girl friends, TV images, novels,
and their Father's strengths (and the opposite of his weaknesses). Scores of women students even have an actual
list in their Bible! It is a sort of
shopping list of criterion to which any potential husband must rise. They trust God to "give them the
desires of their heart." (imagine a male doing this in his Bible!). These women cannot rule out a fellow quickly
with a visual glance--they need to get to know him and see if he matches number
18 on their list, "a good listener," or number 26, "understands
me and lets me talk." (In fact a
lot of these lists are mostly about the girl and how a fellow would make her
happy or how she would "like myself better when I'm with him.") This perfect husband criterion often
includes only a few visual elements--most all are relational and spiritual.
Of
course there are problems with the woman's list too. This perfect "spiritual centerfold" she seeks also
faces a serious "supply and demand" problem. There are no more perfect
relational-spiritual giants around than there are women-in-perfect-bodies. The
idealized spiritual men these women imagine they've met or heard speak are
often airbrushed too--they don't really exist.
But,
what complicates the woman's "spiritual centerfold" even more is some
gals have assigned all these imaginary "perfect husband
characteristics" to Jesus Christ and they have developed a relationship
with Jesus as the perfect boyfriend. Of course the real Jesus would have been a
terrible husband, but not their imaginary Jesus. (Face it, a man who goes off
full time wandering about the countryside with a dozen of his buddies for three
years, constantly gets in trouble, tells people his friends are his real
family, and finally gets himself executed doesn't make ideal husband
material.) Nevertheless some women have
assigned their shopping list characteristics to an imaginary invisible male
friend--Jesus--and they carry on a "dear-Diary" prayer life with
Jesus as a boyfriend, seldom even relating to God the Father in their
devotional life--it is just "Jesus and me." What guy can compete with
this idealized husband-Jesus? Thus, to
these women most guys "just don't measure up." Or they say, "these guys here are so
spiritually immature." Or,
"he's just not sensitive enough."
Men can't rise to this perfect spiritual-relational foldout these women
have burned into their minds. And what
does this perfect spiritual-relational centerfold thing do to guys? They must try to live up to this perfect
spiritual-relational centerfold foldout.
They can't.
Face
it, Gals have to discard their spiritual-relational centerfolds too. Let it go! If you don't dump it, the man you
finally marry will constantly be feeling spiritually and relationally
inadequate as he senses you are measuring him against this perfect standard. It
will make him gradually less spiritually and relationally effective, not
more.
Instead,
get about looking for a lifetime sweetheart of more ordinary relational and
spiritual maturity. Giving up this pubescent Ken-doll fantasy is part of
growing out of adolescence.
So, what do you think? What issues does this essay raise that ought to be discussed?
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So what do you think?
To contribute to the thinking on this issue
e-mail your response to Tuesday@indwes.edu
Other "Thinking Drafts" and writing by Keith Drury -- http://www.indwes.edu/tuesday
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Questions for continued discussion:
1. Do girls think theirs is more legitimate based on the belief that Male Spirituality is matter of will/faith while the Female Body is a matter of biology/providence? Of course, girls know that the female body is actually a matter of will and effort -- and so they beat their bodies into submission through diets and exercise. The same will and effort is acted out by the guys who are trying to fit the list-in-the-front-of-the-bible mold ("husband material" as we call 'em). Do both men and women need to have more faith and trust and patience in providence -- a corollary to the 'realism' suggested in your column?
2. Is the Genesis 3 fall/curse effect on women: “your desire will be for your husband” somehow connected with a woman’s inclination to find in a husband what she should find only in God?