Doing It All
Pleasing Everybody with My New Year’s Resolutions
By David Drury
Everywhere I turn I’m told that something is wrong with me. If I watch TV long enough I’m sure to see a
before and after picture of someone that lost half their body weight. I notice I look more like the “before” picture
than the “after.” The mantra pounds my
ears like a marching band: “diet and exercise, diet and exercise, diet and
exercise.” If I ask a friend for advice
they give me a list of 5 things I should be doing daily. The Chiropractor tells me to cut out soda pop
and start stretching. The doctor tells
me to lose weight. The fitness
instructor tells me to do lift weights to tone my body not just run on the
tread mill. One of my very in-shape
friends tells me you have to eat really bad food and not exercise one day every
two weeks to shock my body back into responding to healthy food and exercise
the rest of the time. I can barely keep
what I’m already doing straight—much less what I should be doing. So much to
do, so little time!
But it’s not just physical advice I get, it’s also emotional and
spiritual advice. If I read a Christian
book I feel guilty and realize I need to study the Bible much more than I
do. One of my friends insists I need to
memorize a good chunk of scripture every week.
At a pastor’s conference recently I was told I should sleep 8 hours and
then pray 2 hours each day. Another
prayer book told me the greatest men and women of God always pray 3 to 4 hours
a day! It appears that my body is not
the only thing out of shape—my heart and soul are likewise flabby and
unattractive.
On top of all this are the things I need to do around the house and in
my community. There much to do and only
24 hours a day to do it in. So I’ve
decided to finally take everyone’s advice this year. Usually I blow off it all off. But now I’m taking it seriously. What everyone is telling me is true—I’m an
overweight, depressed, unspiritual hack who will die soon from a deadly cocktail
of trans-fats, killer mold and NutraSweet.
It’s time to change.
So here is my new Daily Routine… laid out hour by hour and \ minute by
minute for the coming year. After
considering all the advice I’m receiving this is what my days will look like
from now on.
DAVID DRURY’S DAILY ROUTINE NEW YEAR
RESOLUTION:
AM
WAKE UP ROUTINE
6:00
AM Wake up
6:00-6:05 Take slow and regulated deep breaths
before I get up
6:05-6:10 Kneel beside by bed and pray the Lord’s
Prayer to prepare for the day
6:10-6:15 Drink a glass of water (1 of the 8
required each day)
PHYSICAL EXERCISE
6:15-6:30 Drive to gym
6:30-6:35 Pre-workout stretching
6:35-6:40 Berate my out-of-shape self in the mirror
for motivation
6:40-6:45 Warm-up exercise
6:45-7:05 Fat-burning work out
7:05-7:25 Extreme cardio workout
7:25-7:55 Body tone weightlifting
7:55-8:00 Cool-down
8:00-8:05 Post-workout stretching
8:05-8:10 Shave and shower quickly
8:10-8:15 Drink a glass of water (2 of 8)
8:15-8:30 Drive home
BREAKFAST
8:30-8:45 Prepare a healthy meal for myself
including a balance of the food pyramid
8:45-9:00 Sit up straight and fully chew my food
instead of gulping it down
9:00-9:05 Drink a glass of water (3 of 8)
9:05-9:15 Read the newspaper to stay up on current
events
SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT
9:15-9:20 Time to review past memorized verses
9:20-9:30 Time alone for meditation
9:30-9:35 Prayer time for missionaries
9:35-9:40 Prayer time for all the sick people I
know
9:40-9:50 Time to memorize new verses
9:50-9:20 Time to deeply study a chapter of the
Bible
9:20-9:25 Time to review verse I just memorized but
already forgot
9:25-9:30 Prayer time with my family
MORNING TO-DO LIST
9:30-9:40 Pick up toys my kids got out while I was
working out, eating and developing myself spiritually
9:40-9:45 Review my daily to-do list created the
night before and making last minute priority adjustments
9:45-9:55 Read books and magazines on writing to
develop my craft
9:55-10:00 Journal to develop a free spirit in writing
10:00-11:00 Actually writing articles and book chapters
10:00-10:30 Promotion of my writing to agents and publishers
10:30-10:40 Fix things in my house that are broken
10:40-10:50 Build things in my house that need to be
built
10:50-11:00 Car maintenance
11:00-11:20 Vacuuming and dusting
11:20-11:40 Read all the e-mails I received the day
before
11:40-12:00 Delete all spam e-mails I received the day
before
PM
LUNCH
12:00-12:15 Prepare a healthy meal for myself including a
balance of the food pyramid
12:15-12:20 Drink a glass of water (4 of 8)
12:20-12:35 Sit up straight and fully chew my food
instead of gulping it down
12:35-12:50 Read an article in The Atlantic Monthly to
become more cultured and intellectually elite
12:50-12:55 Brush and floss again
AFTERNOON TO-DO LIST
12:55-1:05 Pick up toys my kids got out before lunch
Warm Months (approx. 3 in
1:05-1:45 Lawn fertilization, aeration, irrigation,
patching, seeding, protecting, growing, re-fertilizing, coddling, winterizing
and mowing
1:45-2:15 Tend to garden to ensure I am getting
home-grown all-natural vegetables and fruit in my diet
2:15-2:30 Can or dehydrate foods for the long
winter
OR Cold Months (approx. 9 in
1:05-1:45 Snow removal
1:45-1:50 Dress more warmly
1:50-2:00 Drink coffee to stay warm
2:00-2:15 Huddle pathetically in corner while teeth
chatter
2:15-2:30 Open cans and dehydrated food from the
summer
2:30-2:40 Talk to customer support for computer
problems (only happens 4 days of 7… on other 3 days download software upgrades
to my programs).
2:40-3:00 Drink a glass of water (5 of 8) while on hold
with customer support
3:00-3:10 Instal new virus software (daily)
3:10-3:15 Required rebooting of computer after
fixing problems (daily)
3:15-3:30 Visit elderly shut-ins to show respect
and love to my forebears
3:30-4:00 Volunteer my time at local community
service organizations, soup kitchens and
4:00-4:15 Run errands in town
4:15-4:55 Watch Oprah to touch my heart with a
sense of human dignity, inspirational kinship and celebrity worship
4:55-5:00 Clean up my puke after watching Oprah
5:00-5:15 Write letters to long-lost friends to
ensure we stay in touch
5:15-5:20 Look up names of
long lost friends whose names I forget
5:20-5:25 Write letters to
television companies to beg them to stop creating endless amounts of reality
television and game shows
5:25-5:30 Chat with neighbors
to gain a sense of old-time community in our neighborhood
DINNER
5:30-5:45 Prepare a healthy early dinner for myself
including a balance of the food pyramid and ensuring I do not eat too late
5:45-6:00 Sit up straight and fully chew my food
instead of gulping it down
6:00-6:15 Do the dishes from the day
6:15-6:20 Drink a glass of water (6 of 8)
EVENINNG PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
6:20-7:00 Read a fiction book to entertain my
creative mind
7:00-7:20 Watch self-help videos or listen to tapes
in order to better myself and reach my full potential
7:20-7:50 Read a non-fiction book to become more
well-rounded and practical
7:50-8:00 Pick up toys my kids got out while I was
reading
8:00-9:00 Watch one hour of Lost, Biggest Loser, 24, Extreme Home Makeover, Alias, Desperate
Housewives or other shows my friends tell me I HAVE to start watching
9:00-9:10 Pick up toys my kids got out while I
watched an hour of TV
9:10-9:15 Drink a glass of water (7 of 8)
PRE-SLEEP PREVENTION TECHNIQUES
9:15-9:20 Put my kids to bed to prevent them from
staying up all night eating M&M’s and playing videogames
9:20-9:25 Read a story with my kids to prevent them
from saying I was a bad father when they grow up
9:25-9:30 Brush my teeth to prevent tooth decay while
sleeping
9:30-9:35 Floss to prevent future root canals
9:35-9:40 Use antiseptic mouthwash to prevent nasty
breath
9:40-9:45 Personal grooming (including unwanted
hair, nail & wart removal) to prevent grossing other people out
9:45-9:50 Stretch to prevent back trouble while
sleeping
9:50-9:55 Eat an apple a day to keep the doctor
away
9:55-10:00 Re-brush teeth and floss after eating the
apple to prevent tooth decay
10:00-10:05 Fluff pillow to prevent stiff-neck
10:05-10:10 Kneel beside bed and praying the serenity
prayer to prevent demon possession while asleep
10:10-10:30 Read 1/365th of the Bible to
ensure I read the whole thing every year and prevent going to hell
10:30-10:40 Adjust daily to-do
list for the following day to prevent lapse into last year’s endless cycle of
loserhood
10:40-10:45 Get into Chiropractor-prescribed bed to
ensure no curvature of the spine
10:45-10:50 Lay on side to prevent snoring and thus
prevent divorce
10:50-10:55 Think non-stressful thoughts to prevent bad
dreams or insomnia
10:55-11:00 Get back up to drinking a glass of water
which I forgot to do earlier (8 of the 8 required each day)
11:00PM Sleep 7 hours of a minimum of 8-10 hours
I am told we require (there is too much of all this stuff in one day to get the
8 hours… you have to cut somewhere!)
There
you go… my new daily routine. Sounds
great, doesn’t it? After I do this for
the next 365 days I’ll be in great physical and spiritual shape and all the
things everyone has been telling me I need to do daily will get done! I will finally be pleasing everyone with my
life.
Of
course, I had to leave out a few things in order to make this daily schedule of
priorities work. Yes, there is no time
for any friendships. My family also does
not receive much time in this plan. My
kids will have to tend to themselves for a few years. Also, I will have no time for my job working
in a church anymore, which will mean I’ll lose my income and my home and perhaps
my family (if they don’t leave me first after ignoring them for a year to do
all this stuff). But those losses are no
doubt a small price to pay for what matters most: my spiritual and physical
health. Check back in a year and see how
I’m doing!
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_________
© 2007 by David Drury
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