Attire
Anxiety
By David Drury
A sure-fire sign of aging is
excessive anxiety about the attire of younger people. Old people whine about how expensive all the
younger people’s clothing is. Old people
think all the girls are dressing too loose and suggestively and that the boys
are dressing too sloppy and disheveled.
Old people start to think that the clothing people wear tells you a lot
about the person’s attitude and character—completely offensive suggestions for
young people to hear; for they think clothing is all about individual
expression, freedom and taste. Old
people are completely unconnected and unaware of the style and trends of youth
and are generally “out of it.”
Apparently, I am now an “old
people.” All of the above statements now
apply to me. I too have begun to
whine. The suggestive and sloppy trends
are bothering me. I “don’t get it.”
But I’m resigned to the fact
of aging. I embrace it with boldness and
hopefully a bit of panache today. I am old people. And I will now rant about the clothes these
youngins wear today (I typed that angrily while wagging my soon to be wrinkled
and arthritic finger at the wall.)
Rant #1 – PDU: The Public Display of Underwear
I have a theory. The point at which underwear is visible it no
longer is technically underwear. It becomes outerwear. It no longer serves
the primary function of underwear—which is to keep things beneath the clothing
out of sight and in proper “order” you might say. Now, it is not the underwear itself that is
so offensive, it is the “deliberately haphazard way” in which it is displayed. Jeans are worn low enough to display a bright
red thong above the hip by design.
Boxers are hiked up to the navel to display their creative heart
pattern. An over the shoulder bra is
worn with a strapless tube-top. I knew
the trend had gone too far when the “lingerie” look for women became
“couture-sheik.” You’ve seen it—the
ladies wearing the shiny-lacy tops with dress pants and perhaps a business suit
coat (if they are over-30). It’s the “I
didn’t take my medication so I forgot to get fully dressed this morning”
look. I rant against this premeditated
public display of underwear.
Enough! Are they going to start
tucking toilet paper onto their belts now?
Rant #2 – Celphonicus Atachitu Cranium
Cell phones are more common
than driver’s licenses these days. In
fact, teenagers in particular seem to be more likely to own a cell phone than
have a part-time job (but that’s another rant).
Cell phones have become more than a way to tell mommy they’re going to
miss curfew on Friday night… they are now a huge part of “the look” someone
has. Cell phone commercials are closer
to Gap ads than any others today because of it.
The color and style of are utmost importance. They phones go on strict
Rant #3 – The Cover-up: False Modesty
It happens all the
time. A woman I’m having a conversation
with will continually place her hand in the middle of her chest while talking
and moving around. At first I wondered
why they were doing this: are they
getting ready to say the pledge of allegiance? But then I realized, all the women doing this
motion were wearing low cut tops. They
were concerned about people “seeing down there” in the conversation. Now, I could understand this motion if they
were crawling around on the floor looking for a lost eye contact. But to do it when sitting across the table or
standing on the level is very distracting.
It’s far more distracting than the actual vision of the low-cut top
would be by the way. Women… many men are
having the following internal monologue when you do this: “Oh, crap, does she
think I was looking or something? Oh no,
she moved her hand for an instant… I think I might have glanced. Now she’s covering with one hand while
looking right at me and gesturing with the other about whatever it is she’s
blabbing on about. She thinks I’m a pervert. Oh NO!
Please, Lord, pluck out mine eyes!”
I think a new rule should be in effect: if there is a blatant need to
cover up ones chest area during normal conversation on the same sea level
because of the very real possibility that partial frontal nudity might be
witnessed, then the person wearing the low-cut top should buy some sweaters
instead of making this false modesty cover up move.
Rant #4 – Disproportionate Flesh Coverage
Some of us happen to have
some fat rolls. I’ll fess up to
mine. I believe at the moment I have two
rolls on my belly, the far southern one being about twice the width of the top
one. They are nothing for me to be proud
of. But I confess, I’m somewhat fleshy
in certain places. However, I have never
intentionally shown someone else these fat rolls. Some people have no such compunction
anymore. Strolling around the mall or
the park or the odd county fair you are sure to witness inordinate amounts of
fat roll spillage out of clothing. It’s
a motto we should all memorize: friends
don’t let friends wear spillage-causing-spandex. Men and women: it’s important to have the
kind of friends in your life that can be honest with you and say, “Honey, your
niece couldn’t fit into that outfit and she’s 11 years old. It’s time to go see Lane Bryant in the mall tonight baby.” Again, I don’t mean to shame anyone
here. I’ve had to make such adjustments
over the last 10 years of weight gain in my 20s. The problem is we all “think” we’re the body
type we were when we were 20. When in reality
a “size 20” dress or shirt is the right call.
Rant #5 –Excessive Electronics
Many young republican men
are still trying to make their way up the corporate ladder and party like its
1989! You can see these men a
mile away because they have their shirts tucked into nice pressed pants. They all wear sturdy leather belts because of
the weight of electronic accessories they attach to it. There’s the belt clip for the cell phone on
the right side. Then on the left side
there’s the hard case with clip-off attachment for their Pocket PC. They might even have an iPod case or a
separate beeper. The additional beeper
is in case they are on the cell phone switching to a second caller while the
e-mail on their PDA is down during a traffic jam. Gotta have backups! They think they look like some millennial
gunslinger, ready to draw and shoot down deals at high noon. Instead they look like a cross between
members of the high school A/V club and the janitor with all the school keys on
the retractable zip out string thing.
Rant #6 – Perfectly Unkempt Clothes
A long-running trend of the
last 15 years is the “intentionally sloppy” way of dress. It may have started with the “I don’t care”
attitude of the grunge era. But then
after my generation got sick of smelling like dirty college students in flannel
shirts the trend changed. It became
about “looking sloppy” but it also became very intentional. I call it the “elaborately disheveled
look.” My brother’s old roommate would
put on his baggy pants over his Doc Martens, then pull over an un-tucked
shirt. In my college years the
“dressing” 30 seconds of the day would be done at that point. However, he would instead stand in front of
his mirror and move back and forth from each profile view making sure the
un-tucked shirt was laying just right for 10 minutes or so. This compulsive need to make the
intentionally sloppy look just right reminds me of when Eddie Vedder sang of
his friend’s “perfectly unkempt clothes.”
I think of that song each time I’m in the mall and see a teenager
swooshing around the pretzel shop corner in what I can only assume are jeans
sewn in Malaysia for the Dress Up Your Elephant festival. I really have no visible proof that these jumbo
coulots are actually jeans—they may in fact be flowing denim prom gowns
equipped with Cinderella dress hoops inside for all I know. Of course I can still somehow see their
underwear above the yards of material below their waist. They great irony: how many are trying so hard
to look like they don’t try so hard to look good.
Rant #7 – “Independent” Groupthink: The Tie Boycot
Another strange development
is how many young people have boycotted ties.
Since I am a pastor this is of unique interest to me. Pastors were always known for being “dressed
up.” My grandfather was a pastor in
Pennsylvania and he was known for keeping his suit jacket on even when painting
the fence. But now we go to conferences
and tell each other about how casual our services are, and then we hunch over
in a quite tone suggestive of grassy knoll conspiracies and say, “I don’t even
wear a tie anymore.” What’s the big deal
about ties? Did our fathers all beat us
with paisley square knotted silks when we were children and this repressed
memory is now coming out in the Tie Boycott?
We all think we’re so independent and different but if you go to 10 of
our kind of churches everyone on the stage looks exactly the same. If I saw a pastor in a tie I might actually
go ask him where his time-machine was stored.
Russell Rathburn writes that he thinks there is some pastor’s conference
where every minister trades in their ties for stools to preach on instead. How “individual” is this anymore?
So, there is my Old People
and Younging Clothing rant. I’m off my
rocker with anxiety about this and I have to confess it here proudly. And to protest all of this craziness I am
going to dress the following way for one week: I will show up to my office in
the usual blue shirt (I wear one every day already out of routine and
simplicity). However, I will unclasp
three buttons down and constantly cover up my chest around women in the office
to make them feel my implied condemnation.
My shirt tails will be tucked into my underpants which will show a full
4 inches above my belt on which will be attached 5 electronic devices including
a new cell phone with the “Tell All Your Lovers and Friends” song as the
standard ringtone. If you don’t see me
coming you’ll hear my elephant pants swooshing as I stride into the room. Then you can say, “I thought that guy was
‘Old People’ but he still dresses really cool.”
© 2005 by David Drury
TWC: c.2,000